These are dog jokes and homilies we have picked up over the years. None are meant to be offensive or in bad taste. If you are offended or upset - our apologies.

If you'd like to send us your favourite dog jokes, you can email then to us at info@bestdoggietips.com and we'll publish them on this page.

A local business was looking for office help.

They put a sign in the window saying:  "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities.  However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and yells at the dog.

he butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What in the world are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius? I don't think so. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

he owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

A Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a cool one when a good-looking female Poodle comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Poodle says, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative." Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone...cheese mine!"

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking...I'M A DOG!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet...Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet... 
9. Dog sweaters? ...... Have you noticed the fur?.....  
10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. (Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.)
11. When you pick up the poo piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.

The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain…..

 

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
- Phil Pastoret

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
- Will Rogers

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.
6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.