These are dog jokes and homilies we have picked up over the years. None are meant to be offensive or in bad taste. If you are offended or upset - our apologies.

If you'd like to send us your favourite dog jokes, you can email then to us at info@bestdoggietips.com and we'll publish them on this page.

A local business was looking for office help.

They put a sign in the window saying:  "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities.  However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

• Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
• Cats look silly on a leash.
• When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
• Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
• A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
• Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
• When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
• Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
• Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
• Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
- Phil Pastoret

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
- Will Rogers

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.
6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.