Dog & cat stories

Like many pet owners, we are a multi species family. We have 2 dogs, 2 cats and fish, and we couldn't resist bringing you these great dog & cat stories.

If you'd like to send us your favourite dog and cat stories, you can email them to us and we'll publish them on this page.

A Dog and Cat Diary

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...

 8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
 12:00 PM - Lunch! My favourite thing!
 1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
 3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
 5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
 7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
 8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
 11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary.

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. 

For now..........

how to give your pet a pill

How to give a Cat a Pill

• Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.   Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
• Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 
• Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
• Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 
• Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 
• Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.  
• Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.  
• Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 
• Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.  Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold  water and soap. 
• Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 
• Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
• Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to  neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill  from foil wrap 
• Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 
• Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.  
• Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a Dog a Pill

• Wrap it  in bacon. 
• Toss it  in the air.

How to Give a Cat a Bath

(Note: Jeffery LaCroix is a veterinarian with an office in Wilmington. He writes a column for the Morning Star called "From Paws to Tails." Here is his response to a letter regarding bathing a cat : )

Dear Dr. LaCroix: I've heard that cats never have to be bathed, and that they have some sort of special enzyme in their saliva that keeps them clean. This doesn't sound believable to me because there are definite "kitty" odours on my couch and dirty cat paw prints on our white hearth. Is this true about the saliva? If we do decide to give "Nice Kitty" a bath, how do we do that? - NSP, Wilmington

Dear NSP: Fortunately for you, several years ago a client gave me a written set of instructions about cat bathing which I am privileged to share with you: Cat Bathing As A Martial Art.

A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.

I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.

He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case.

As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defences and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

a great way to clean your toilet

Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!!  Easy too!!!!

• Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water.
• Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.
• In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.  (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
• Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse")
• Have someone open the closest door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)
• Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
• The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog

why dogs are better pets than cats

• Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
• Cats look silly on a leash.
• When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
• Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
• A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
• Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
• When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
• Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
• Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
• Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.